It’s a Rollercoaster

I’ve recently realised that what I deal with is not just pure unipolar depression. I have times, periodically, every couple of months or more frequently, where I have a span of days (4-7) where I am hyper. I am so on top of the world, I’m so ready to socialise and do things that I’m not normally comfortable doing, I start drinking alcohol, I start wanting to eat takeaway and do new things. I feel great when I’m like that, I feel like normal maybe (though I can’t really remember what ‘normal’ feels like), most if not all, of the suicidal thoughts disappear, I can do things and I can follow conversations. However, when I inevitably switch and my mood drops back to a 0-2 I feel absolutely awful because of the things I have done. Some of the things I can stop myself doing – for example, I won’t go and get a takeaway because I know later on, my ED will beat me up about it no matter how quiet it was at the time, so instead I’ll still not eat properly, I’ll just maybe have 3 slices of toast, not 2. I will feel bad about the social situations I said I would go to, but when my mood drops I can’t go to, and I feel like I’m letting my friends down.

I was speaking to my friend and she said perhaps I should talk to the doctor because it didn’t seem like it was ‘just’ depression, but I feel a little bit stupid because I hate the depression, I hate being down and unable to function how I want so these spells of hyper-ness are a welcome respite from them. And I’m very afraid that the doctor will dismiss me or assume that I am a hypochondriac and finding things to waste her time with.

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