I’m writing this after waking up from a very bad night. It may not have been *the* worst I have ever had but it was up there on the list. I was really really depressed. I recognise that it sounds weird considering that I have depression and therefore am always depressed but this was a proper dip down into the dark murky depths of the abyss.
I was trying to sleep and getting nowhere because my brain was on panic mode overthinking and overplanning all the revision that I need to do for my final exams (6 weeks and counting). And it spiralled as it is wont to do when on that level of ‘shit I am depressed’. For me, it’s the kind of depression where I can’t do anything. I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t formulate sentences, I have no motivation to do anything. Realistically, that’s safer then the other type of depressed I can get where I have the motivation to go out and overdose or self harm in some other way so on a scale of 1-10 it wasn’t awful awful. But I hate this type of depression more. I can’t self harm so I can’t feel anything. I can’t string words together so I can’t talk about it. I did text my one and only friend who I talk to about all the mental crazies and that took me long enough. It’s the kind of depression when I can’t even sleep because that requires effort. It’s on an overdrive in overthinking while plunging off a cliff into the depths of numbness and the crawl out is horrendous.
This morning when I finally fell asleep and then promptly woke up my brain was cooperating somewhat. I got dressed, made a cuppa and drove to the gym because exercise is supposed to help and I won’t have it be said that I don’t try. And yes, that has taken a few more spoons then I may have had for social interaction today but you know what? It is miles better than last night and I’ll take that anyday.