I found some of my old food diaries from the last time I was really struggling with anorexia. I don’t really know what possessed me to read them, but read them I did. And as much as they were triggering, and made me want to scream with how much I am now eating, reading them also made me really really sad.
I was so entrenched in my eating disorder it was screaming out from between the lines in everything I wrote. I was eating next to nothing and it was all still too much. I was very clearly malnourished and my brain was paying the price because all I could think about was food and how much I was eating and how much energy I was burning off by exercising. It was all too much and too difficult. It was really sad to see how bad it really was. I think your brain makes you forget how bad it really was so that it isn’t so painful. I had forgotten how bad it really was.
The really sad thing is I still am falling back into my eating disorder, and realistically I now have something to aim for, to aim at. But I suppose it is a step forward that I can see how bad it really was, because it really was awful and that’s something that people tend to gloss over, especially anyone who is in the ‘pro-ana’ community.