I saw my ex..

.. and it wasn’t as bad as people say it is. It wasn’t like in the movies when I fell apart later on after seeing him, wanting him back desperately. To be honest, I didn’t feel anything. I was at work, dealing with a group of kids who had come in for climbing (I’m a climbing instructor) and it was a really quick – hi – and then back to work.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. But I am a different person to the person I was when I was with him. I was falling deep into the hole that is anorexia, I was losing weight, arguing with him over the smallest of things and hating every single pound that I put on. When we broke up I was falling into the hole that is depression (there’s a link here..) and he couldn’t deal with how much of a different person that had made me. I have outgrown him, I am not the scared 18 year old I was when I was dumped. I don’t need him. Because that is what it was at the time – I had become dependant on him. I had a really bad time in college and he was pretty much my only friend. Now, I’m at uni, I have so many friends and so many people who I can call on to go out or do things.

I have realised that I would really like the connection and physical closeness that you get with a partner. I would like to have the connection with somebody that you can tell anything to and you know that you won’t be judged. I know that basically sounds like a best friend, but I suppose it’s a deeper layer than that. I’m asexual so physical intimacy for me would not look like sex but cuddles and hand holding and the supportive hand on the small of your back to make sure you’re okay. I miss that, and I know at some point I want that in my life.

I suppose what has changed is that I am more than comfortable with being on my own. As much as my mental health makes me feel like absolute shit I am comfortable being on my own, I know that someone else doesn’t complete me.

I’m glad that I have grown as a human being enough not to want to be with the boy that I was with 2 years ago. And as weird or big headed as it sounds, I’m glad I’ve outgrown him.

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